Is it possible for me?

To write about depression. I once wrote somewhere… and I’m paraphrasing myself… ‘The problem with writing a book about depression is that when you’re depressed, something like writing seems impossible’. This is as true for me now as it was then. Not that I’m writing a book any more. Remember that? Once upon a time I was able to work on my book. That seems far out of sight now. For me personally, I find that when I’m super depressed, I just lie there in bed looking at the ceiling, virtually unable to move. So I figured I’d write about the things that are preventing me from writing, possibly before that leaden depression closes in again and I’m unable to write anything.

1. Drugs – no not the fun ‘blue monkeys coming out of your nostrils’ kind. This is the psychiatric kind. I am now up to taking six pills a day. They are all white, which I find sort of pleasing on an aesthetic level. They are also different shapes, which is interesting. I’m not sure if they help me or not. I wish I could travel into a parallel world where I’m not on medication to find out if I’m more or less depressed. I may stop taking my meds in a month or so (after I get back from the UK). I do keep saying that and putting it off. i have been on at least some form of medication now for over a year. In fact it’s getting close to a year and a half. And I cannot face the idea of being someone who has to be medicated for their whole life. I would rather be dead. Much rather. Anyway, one of the side effects of the drugs is a sort of… general plateauing of mood. And this means that I can’t feel the emotions that I usually use to write. It really takes a lot to make me laugh or cry.

2. Depression – despite what I said earlier, I have had some of my most productive times when I was depressed. No it’s not a contradiction! Let me exasperate… extrapolate… explicate? Just non-depressed enough to write, but just sad enough to appreciate the dreadful poetry of the world. But recently my depression has been the even lower kind. The kind where you’re ‘too depressed to kill yourself’ as a friend of mine put it.

3. Inspiration – living in a new city is full of challenges. For me, meeting people has been the biggest challenge. I’ve now been here just over seven months, and haven’t made a single friend. I used to write a lot about observations of the world and situations that arose in my life. But my life right now is lacking experience. If my life were a colour, right now it would be a kind of grey. If my life were a food, it would be spam. If my life were a bird, it would be a grey grey pigeon. You get the idea.

So what has been depressing you so much, I hear you fail to ask? Well let me tell you. I hate my job. I don’t care if anyone I work with gets to read this. I hate it. It doesn’t challenge me, and yet there’s so much information to remember and my depressed brain keeps forgetting things, which makes me feel like I’m useless.

So why don’t you get a new job, you ask? Well I have been looking for a job on and off for two years, but I have yet to get a single job offer. Yes my qualifications are that impressive. I am overqualified to start at the bottom, and underqualified to start anywhere else. For the most part, I haven’t even got call backs. Nope, nobody even thinks highly enough to bother rejecting me!

To make matters worse, I recently got passed over for a promotion at work. This prompted the worst episode of depression I’ve had since the last time I went to the hospital, which was January 2012. They wanted to admit me to the psych ward this time, but there were no beds in the city available (thank god for health cuts). I have been sorely tempted to try and drink my troubles away, but so far I am resisting. I would make the worst alcoholic ever. I have two bottles of wine in my fridge. They call to me, so they do.

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I hate my job!

I’ve been looking for a new job on and off for almost a year now, but I haven’t yet found a job I want to do. That’s sort of the problem with working a … let’s say non-professional job, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s very difficult to escape the non-professional circuit, unless you want to be a manager, which I don’t.

My job is basically tech support. Oh there’s lots of other things I do that a normal tech support person doesn’t, and I don’t have to deal with the general public, but that’s basically what it is. I have a fancier title but that doesn’t mean much. Unfortunately this job and the experience I’ve gained in the last four years (I’ve been working at this company four years and three days, not that anyone’s counting) only really qualifies me to do more tech support. I’m smart and I learn very quickly, so I could probably jump right into a senior support position, but I don’t want to. Why? Because I hate my job!

I’m a shy, anxious person who doesn’t really enjoy socialising much. As such, I HATE being on the phone with people I don’t know. We still have customers, although they’re not the general public. Almost every time I finish a phone call I get this sort of full body shiver to get all the ick out of my system. I hate being in a job where I have a lot of responsibility and work, but almost no time for the self-improvement things that my work (rather generously) allows us. I hate having responsibility and expertise but no influence to get anything done. And I hate that I’ve been pushing so hard to do the things that nobody else can be bothered to do for four years without anyone really appreciating it.

Of course I realise that a lot of people hate their jobs. But anyone who’s qualified or has talents in specific areas should go for it, should try and work in those areas. Nobody deserves to be unhappy in their job. Every job has its upsides and downsides, you just have to find the one that fits you best.

So right now there are a few jobs I’d consider. One is being a developer/programmer. I’ve been learning programming by myself for a few years and I’ve got pretty good at it. My websites are scattered around the web, as well as little tools I’ve designed, although I won’t publicise them here. But I enjoy the mix of creativity and logic that programming provides. Another job is being a teacher. I’ve always wanted to teach, and recently that has been focused into wanting to teach creative writing. I know I know, if there’s one job harder to get than being a teacher, it’s being a creative writing teacher. The last job I’d consider is a business analyst. It sounds very ‘suit’ and businesslike, but it’s something I know I’d be good at. I’m creative and good at solving problems, and that’s basically what a business analyst does.

So the downside to all of these jobs is that they require qualifications. And qualifications = money. And I don’t have the money. I already have a degree, but being a programmer requires at least a diploma in Computer science, which I don’t really have time for  between having mental breakdowns and working full time. I’m doing one course right now, but at that rate it will take me over ten years to finish! Being a teacher is even worse, as it requires a masters. And I don’t want a masters in creative writing (I’ll probably post about why that is later). Being a business analyst (BA) requires more than a BA unfortunately.

So what to do? I’m too poor to be in school full time, too sick of customers to work tech support full time, and too underqualified to get another job. Gah! 

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I am a lazy rainbow

My friend Brandon is back at work, hooray. We have been told we should have a show together (and yes I know people say that all the time) because we’re the classic duo of the dumb guy and the smart guy. I’m the smart guy. Brandon isn’t dumb but he definitely acts like it sometimes, which is why I don’t have any qualms about making fun of him. Here are some excerpts of our conversation today. He also dubbed me the ‘lazy rainbow’ because my hair is violet and pink. Best nickname ever.

Me:
so you’re picking a house then? 11:09 AM
Brandon :
very shortly 11:09 AM
hopefully 11:09 AM
Me:
does it have a garden for you to play fetch in? 11:09 AM
Brandon:
i hope 11:09 AM
Me:
or workshop space. 11:09 AM
Brandon:
i hope it has both 11:09 AM
or i can build it 11:09 AM
Me:
if you build it they will come 11:10 AM
…and arrest you

 

 

Brandon:
dammit 11:10 AM
so no nuclear fusion then? 11:10 AM
Me:
remember brandon, uranium has a pretty name but the government doesn’t like you playing with it 11:10 AM
‘but officer, it’s depleted’ 11:10 AM
Brandon:
lol 11:10 AM
awesome 11:10 AM
best nuclear joke ever