Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.

~William Blake


Sort of about sex

Sex sells. But since I’m not selling anything, I rarely write about it. Not that I have no interest, but… I can’t think of a way to end that sentence. Still, I wrote this little thing about it.


I read this little book
about sex
and watched you
contort as if to please me
scream like you were
giving birth
or dying
dredge out vile words from your vocabulary
a litany of verbs
you bent over the bed
and I realized
that it was all a newton’s cradle
the movement
simply back and forth
going nowhere

Poetry: Katka

I wrote this about an unrequited love in my life…


Your whole nation

Rolls behind your tongue

A long vowel

Like the whittling of a violin

From a cherry tree

This novel has the appearance

Of haste

The consonants blurred and soft

As they are set down in

Still-wet spaces between deep roundnesses

But such wide, delirious spaces

You do not pretend,

There is no room for pretence

It is a luxury, like white soap

Or black coffee

When you look off towards the fields

Your lips tight buttoned

Reflect the pale penumbra

That clasp of winter about the throat

When you kneel on the heat of

Foreign sand

You are highlight

The froth edging the wave

Your country in the mouth

In the arms of another

Brilliant, occupied and stifled

By the diamond choker

I am the gateway boyfriend

As I’ve mentioned before, I consider myself as significantly female in how I think and act about certain things. This obviously leads me to attract a certain type of woman…

Let’s look at some stats, shall we. Here are the 4 people I’ve dated since I was married. Some people might be irked to not be included here, but if you think we’re dating and I don’t, and nobody ever mentions it… well I don’t think that counts.

Name ante-me post-me
C bi? lesbian*
S straight lesbian
K straight lesbian
J bi bi

Not bad, right? I add an asterisk for C because she identifies as bi still, although if I had to label her myself I’d call her a lesbian. But labels don’t get to be applied by others. Still, 3 of the last 4 people I’ve dated are now lesbian. K in particular went from being totally straight to being totally lesbian after me, and is now much happier.

So, seeing as I’m more masculine than most girls but more feminine than most boys, am I the gateway boyfriend? Am I destined to only attract girls who are either bi or on the way to becoming gay? Probably. But I don’t think I care. Bi girls are fun.

I am 76% female

It may be April 1st, but I’m fully serious.

A while ago, I did a test online that purported to determine what percentage of each gender you were. I totally agree with this idea. At university I got a reputation for being smart among the philosophers, basically by saying ‘everything’s a continuum’. That was all really. Anyway, I think that gender is the same way. And I’m definitely more towards the female side than the male side. This isn’t the same as being gay (although I am bisexual as it happens), some gay guys are extremely masculine. So there’s some overlap, but it’s not the same. I think that I scored around 76%, which seems about right to me.

I’ve often wished I could be a girl. This isn’t something that plagues me every day, and I don’t really feel like I was born into the wrong body, so I don’t think I’d ever actually get gender reassignment surgery. There are some things I enjoy about being a boy. But a lot of the things I enjoy doing or feeling are more typically girly, and that can be depressing as a boy.

How does this manifest itself? In lots of ways I think. At the risk of being judged, here are some stereotypically ‘girly’ things I enjoy: makeup, painting my nails, cute clothes, pink, purple, cute underwear, shoes (should I add ‘talking about feelings’ there?). If this was the 50s I’d add cooking to the list, but cooking isn’t really considered ‘girly’ any more I hope. And here are some stereotypically ‘girly’ problems I have: body issues, worrying about my weight, BPD symptoms (more than 75% of people with BPD are female), not being able to understand boys, mood swings, crying a lot (although I haven’t for a while).

There’s also ‘the sex thing’. I don’t really know many boys, but my impression is that they will do almost anything to get laid, and aren’t in the habit of declining sex if it’s on offer. Of course I’m not saying that all boys are like this, but the impression I get is that most are. Strangely, this is extra true with gay boys. One in particular was very annoyed that I wouldn’t have sex with him (although not to the point of violence, thankfully), which made me feel a bit crappy and worthless. I am a bit strange in this area. For me, sex is a fairly big deal, and I don’t do the one night stand thing (I did it once and it made me very sad the next day). I have a habit of going to bed with people and then not having sex. I’m sure this has been annoying for some people who’ve got me into bed, but generally what happens is that there’s some mental block and I just don’t want to. I’m usually thinking something like ‘tomorrow do I want to wake up and say that I had sex with this person’, and usually the answer is no. This is especially annoying because the physical side of things works fine, so inevitably the other person (usually a girl) gets a little confused or put out.I’ll probably write more about this another time ;).

Anyway, welcome to my brain. Sometimes I wish I was average.