BC – AD: Getting laid in the modern world

If there’s one thing that the last couple of weeks have taught me, it’s that C is definitely not interested in any kind of relationship with me. When someone would rather press their face into the wall than risk contact with you, that sends a sort of message (even if it’s sent from the back of their head). Received and understood.

So last night I was hanging out on messenger, and B came online. We had a talk, although if we’d been dating I’d have had to call it ‘a talk’. I’d known that it was all over for a while, but it still hurt to hear it. Of course, B being B, she wasn’t definite about anything… let’s take a look at some extracts:

7:04:47 PM Me: we hadn’t been talking much lately though so I figured we were done. am I being ridiculous?
7:05:16 PM B: no, and yes.


You can actually pinpoint the moment when my heart breaks!

7:07:50 PM Me: be honest though… do I factor into your plans for the future at all?
7:07:58 PM B: things change but we can still be close, no matter what happens though

Seems pretty clear to me…

7:15:55 PM Me: would you still want me to visit later in the year?
7:16:17 PM B: im not sure.

So that’s over. I mean, we may still be friends, but I no longer have a potential visit to look forward to, or anything else really. So B and C are definitely gone, it’s time for A and D. So if your first or last name begins in A or D, and you’d like to have cuddles/sex/a platonic relationship involving lots of poetry in the Montreal area, call 1-800-cuddles (don’t really call that number, I bet it’s some weird sex line)

So, I hear you ask, what’s my situation now in re the romantical arts? Well, this morning I went kink toy shopping and bought a bunch of toys that I will hopefully get to use with someone one day.

Metal Restraints

My number of unused sex toys is now disturbingly high. I just can’t help it. This time though, I did pick some things that I can play with alone, such as cupping equipment (super fun and not really sexual at all). 

Yes, shopping is the classic cure for the blues, and if your blues are relationship related, you can buy relationship toys! Don’t worry though, I haven’t resorted to any sort of inflatable boy/girl yet. Ha that reminds me of Billy Connolly’s tale of Sexy Sadie and Lovely Raquel. So cute, his wonder at the world of sex toys.

Aside from shopping though (and my tumultuous relationship with my credit card), I’m 100% single with no potential relationships for the first time in years. It’s a weird feeling. Let’s see if I can take this opportunity to refocus myself and shift the locus of my identity inside myself. No that’s not some kind of euphemism. What I mean is that I do things for other people. And only other people. Even the things I do for myself I do for others. For example, when I try to work out every day, or when I leave the house, I’m doing it because whoever I’m talking to would be proud of me for those things. And that’s why I work better in a relationship. It motivates me.

It’s weird because I hate relying on people for anything, to realise that I rely on other people for my emotions all the time. But then I thought.. screw that. Instead of working on those things alone, I’ll work on them while trying to get laid. Usually I don’t care about getting laid (hence not caring that I haven’t had sex in seven months), but this week I’ve been super horny. That sometimes happens when someone is teasing me, but that’s not the case right now… if anyone is teasing me I hope that she’s doing it accidentally, because I tease back and I am far better at it. Perhaps it’s all to do with spring and the mystic cycles of nature. Or perhaps it’s all the porn I’ve been watching.

Finally we come to the point then… how to get laid in a city where I don’t know anyone? The modern world has a huge number of options for meeting people, however very few of them involve actually meeting someone in person. For some reason this goes under the name of Social Networking, although I can’t think of anything less social than sending a tweet to some random person on the other side of the world. I’ve tried Craigslisting people (is that a verb?), messaging people on POF (poffing sounds filthy), and even the nearly unprecedented talking-to-people-in-second-cup (let’s call that ‘cupping’). None of these seem to have paid off in terms of new relationships, making new friends, or even a quick grope in the cafe bathrooms (coincidentally, also sometimes referred to as ‘cupping’). They have however created huge amounts of awkwardness. So huge in fact that they may be causing earthquakes on the other side of the globe.

So what next? Where does one go to either get laid or find someone new to talk to when one is an anxious person in a new city? Or should I just keep trying on the POF? TheIntrovertGirl made an interesting point, that she is sometimes convinced by people who are persistent. Bad news for me, as I am easily discouraged and I hate playing games. But I did find a girl last night on POF who might be great for me. So perhaps if she doesn’t reply, I will try again… I did go out of my comfort zone and purchase tickets to an industrial music festival this morning as well though, let’s see if I can meet anyone there!


Where are all these fish?

Plenty of fish? Seemingly there are no fish, aside from the aforementioned dogfish. I did get one new message, and I’m going to post it here just to show you why I’m not going to reply. Firstly let me say that if her profile was interesting I would probably still give her a chance, but the profile is just as bad. And all her pictures look like they were taken in the 80s. Are you ready? Here it is:

:)Hey amigo,
How r u,Wish Allright simply
let s be Friends n will c
my Email is xxxx n Facebook is xxxx
P.s.by the way Ur British i Love
English accents


Wow. Just wow. Should I put ‘spelling’ as one of my interests and see if that helps?

What’s the protocol? A whole new set of rules…

…seem to exist for online dating. I remember from movies that you’re not supposed to call someone for 48 hours lest you look like a freak. Remember that scene from Swingers? Well that wasn’t quite me, but if I like you, I will in all likelihood be very excited to hear from you and call/text you the next day (phones make me slightly anxious).

But what about replying to POF messages? Ok that’s not to imply that I’ve been inundated with messages in the .. I think two days since I signed up, I have had two messages, both from the same (albeit gorgeous) woman. But is the protocol to reply immediately? In the fast-paced online world, 48 hours is a long time. Your potential date could be married and already measuring for curtains by then. So do I reply immediately since I happened to be looking at my email when my message came in? Or do I wait let’s say 4.8 hours (online dating being 10x as fast as measured by the Zipless scale of hookups, named of course after Reginald J. Zipless, noted statistician and notorious philanderer)? It’s a whole new set of confusions.

Actually I don’t much care about POF already. If I’m going to meet someone online, I would rather focus on my blog and meet someone who has read a little about me in my own words, not limited by personality tests and multiple choice questionnaires. That or talk to one of those cute girls at the cafe.


Dating profile turn-offs

So far I’ve noticed several things that are instant turn-offs for me when looking at online dating profiles. And therefore, given my own anxieties about my profile and my general philanthropic spirit, I have decided to share them in the hopes of helping others less fortunate than myself. Ahh.

And before anyone tuts at me for having a list of ‘don’ts’ rather than a list of ‘dos’, I have one of those too. Perhaps I’ll even tell you :p.


Any or all of the following in pictures will immediately disqualify you. And yes, I have come across all of these:

  • Pictures of several people where we have no clue which one is you, because that’s your only picture. For fuck’s sake, crop it or black out the other person’s face or something if you MUST use a picture like that. Don’t let guys think you’re the cute one then be disappointed.
  • Come to think of it, don’t use a picture with you and your more attractive friend. That’s like saying ‘here’s this delicious entree, oh but we’d rather you have the steamed cabbage’.
  • Picture of you wearing a wedding ring. Either this picture is really old or you’re doing something you probably shouldn’t be.
  • Pictures of your pets. I don’t want to date a chihuahua (or really anyone who owns one)
  • Pictures of you at work with a name badge on. Especially if you work at a call centre. Seriously, go outside in your lunch break and get a passerby to take a photo of you.
  • Pictures of you in a big christmas sweater hugging a cat. No.
  • Pictures of you with a glove puppet. I am fully serious. Fuck no. Unless maybe it’s an adorable home-made one and you’re entertaining kids.
  • Pictures of you looking like a demon with red eyes and steepling your hands.


  • Any headline using the word ‘nice’ as in ‘nice time’, ‘nice guy’. Yuck.
  • Fishing references, e.g. ‘swimming with the fish’, ‘looking for nemo’ etc. Yes, we get it, the site is called plenty offish. Clever.
  • Any headline using the word ‘dreams’ as in ‘follow your dreams’, ‘looking for the man of my dreams’, ‘desperately seeking a way of stopping myself from dying in my dreams, particularly the one with the glowing spiders’. Ok perhaps I made up the last one.
  • I think the same goes for the word ‘good’. Blerk.
  • Headlines that aren’t spelled right. Seriously. It’s four words. Can you not use spellcheck, or maybe ask a not-so-illiterate friend to assist you?
  • Headlines that are just 😉 or :).

Phew, rant over. So, based on that assessment, what do you think my chances are? Somehow the words snowflake and hell spring to mind, I’m not sure why.


Am I bored with online dating already? Or is it bored with me?

After a brief flurry of excitement that included me messaging an extremely attractive and intelligent sounding girl and setting up a possible date when she gets back to the area next month, very little has happened over at Plenty of Fish… oh wait I mean POF. POF POF POF. It sounds like a French expression meaning ‘I hate you and everything you say’. It also reminds me of this ridiculous song from The High Life. Yes that is Alan Cumming.

POF has the wonderful ‘who’s viewed me’ feature. Yes, you can watch people reject you in almost real-time. So despite the fact that a bunch of people have viewed my profile, I haven’t had any messages (except from the above-mentioned gorgeous blonde). And that of course leads me to ‘what’s wrong with me/my profile?’ Yeah online dating is definitely good for my self-esteem. Therefore, inspired by SnarkySnatch, find below my profile. Critique, correct, facepalm if you must. Should I downplay the crazy and change my headline, or be honest and turn away all those girls who are looking for a ‘nice, normal guy’? am I too forward? Too backward? Too oblique? Should I list more bands? Less bands? Be less ‘meta’? Gah!

About Me
I have been told I’m a complicated person, and that I’m not like other boys, and that might be true. I think a lot, and I don’t want the same things as most boys. I’ve had an interesting life, and it’s taken me all over the world and taught me a lot. Right now what I want is to have the free time to be creative, in whatever form that takes at the time. I’m naturally a very giving person, so it makes sense that I want a relationship. Unfortunately I don’t know anyone in the new city I’m living in, so I’m hoping to meet some fun people online.Oh, music. Shall I do the ‘random’ list thing? Usually when I read other people’s I’ve never heard of the bands, which sort of gave me the idea that it was supposed to be obscure bands. But screw that. Radiohead, Thom Yorke, Elliott Smith, Rufus Wainwright, Nick Drake, NIN, Regina Spektor, Chopin, The Prodigy, The Chemical Brothers, Depeche Mode, Kid Koala, Combichrist, Neil Young, Leonard Cohen, Magnetic Fields, Joy Division, Portishead.

First Date
no judgement, my ideal first date would probably be… wandering the city streets and talking. The people I like are people I can talk endlessly with. We’d find something interesting, perhaps some street art or a great place to sit and people watch. Maybe stop somewhere to grab food, but not in a ‘dinner and candlelight’ sort of way. Somewhere nice. Then we might get candy and wander some more, and if you’re wonderful we could go to my place and watch a Woody Allen movie and cuddle. I love cuddles.
What do you think of this new version:
I have been told I’m a complicated person, and that I’m not like other boys… and that might be true. I think a lot, and I don’t want the same things as most boys. I’ve had an interesting life, and it’s taken me all over the world and taught me a lot. Right now what I want is to have the free time to be creative, in whatever form that takes at the time, and to have someone in my life to share that with. I write poetry and short fiction, make music, and sometimes even draw (badly). I also program websites in whatever other time I have. I’m naturally a very giving person, so it makes sense that I would like a relationship, provided of course that the right person comes along. Unfortunately I don’t know anyone in the new city I’m living in, so I’m hoping to meet some fun people online. Other random facts? I have lived on three continents. I have never been to the moon. Strangely, given that I’m British and nerdy, my favourite sport is baseball.

plenty of dogfish… more adventures in online dating

So after e-harmony couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed to answer the door, I decided to try Plenty Of Fish, or POF as it’s apparently known on the site. Another questionnaire, another ‘write about yourself’ thing. I’ve written many mini-autobiographies for magazines, and for my book, but I still hate those things. Should you try to be honest, or sell yourself? Be whimsical, or provide information? So I went with what I’d look for in someone: honest but whimsical. I went easy on the whimsy lest someone lose an eye or something. Also I don’t want people thinking I’m strange until maybe second date.

What I have learned so far:

  • People on online dating sites are ugly. Yes it may be hurtful but it’s true. There are a surprising amount of people I would definitely not date on the basis of looks. I have learned the hard way that physical chemistry is important.
  • People on online dating sites cannot spell. Seriously people. If you’re going to present a paragraph of text to a portion of the entire world, especially if you’re looking to fuck that portion of the world, can you not at least spell check? Do you not realize that if you say you’re looking for an ‘intellegent’ [sic] man you are unlikely to get one, except perhaps as a gynaecologist? My favourite so far is the person who said they wanted to go ‘roc-climbing’ on the first date. Now THAT is a first date with adventure.
  • People on online dating sites are boooooring. I was surprised by the first three profiles that I looked at. All so boring. Really, are you ‘open-minded, laughing, affectionnate[sic], easy going, fun, artsy’? That doesn’t describe more than a million people, maybe two million tops. ‘I tend to be easy going, can come up with things to do but after a while you’ll notice there is a pattern to what i like to do and when. ‘ Ugh I’m falling asleep while I read. That or bashing my head in with your clumsy sentences.