New woman… no more letters?

I went out on Friday to a goth/industrial music night, and met a woman there. I say woman rather than girl because this particular female is 41. I think there’s a point at which you have to stop referring to someone as a girl, and that point may be around 35. Ok so not strictly a girl, and I didn’t strictly meet her there. Well I did, but we planned to meet there. does that count? This is someone I met through Fetlife. Yikes! She is smoking hot, half Vietnamese, and a mistress (like the fetish kind of mistress).

Does this count as an online date? If it does, that makes 2 online dates I’ve got through Fetlife, and zero from POF. You suck POF! I would give her the letter M, but I already used that… so I will just refer to her as the insanely hot woman from Fetlife until I think of something else.

We spent the whole night talking and drinking, I don’t think I even noticed the music. It turns out she writes poetry too, also has had depression problems, and we have a lot of the same opinions on politics and other such things. She’s a meat eater but we’re both crazy about food, we may end up being restaurant buddies. Around 2am we decided to leave together and walk. We saw some of the typical bar people walking home, and she got so upset about the kind of people who don’t think and don’t observe life that she ended up crying. I know that sounds crazy, but I thought it was actually really touching. She said that she was too drunk to get home so I took her back to my place. We cuddled and slept in my bed, but there was no fooling around at all. Then in the morning we talked some more, and she thanked me for not trying to kiss her, as she’s not really in that sort of place right now. Then we kissed a few times and she left.

I’ve been thinking about her a lot, but unfortunately she’s super busy this week and I’m in Vancouver next week. I am going to try hard to see her the week I get back though.

Oh… did I mention her jobs? Yeah she has a couple of jobs. One is a stylist at a hair salon, but that doesn’t make money so she also works at a massage parlour. Not the kind where people get sex, but an erotic massage parlour. Now I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I’m guessing it means massage + handjob or something. Strangely I don’t care, which is odd given that I’m the jealous type. But I am kind of sad that someone as lovely and sensitive as her has to do that to make money.

More coming on my week in Vancouver!


What’s the protocol? A whole new set of rules…

…seem to exist for online dating. I remember from movies that you’re not supposed to call someone for 48 hours lest you look like a freak. Remember that scene from Swingers? Well that wasn’t quite me, but if I like you, I will in all likelihood be very excited to hear from you and call/text you the next day (phones make me slightly anxious).

But what about replying to POF messages? Ok that’s not to imply that I’ve been inundated with messages in the .. I think two days since I signed up, I have had two messages, both from the same (albeit gorgeous) woman. But is the protocol to reply immediately? In the fast-paced online world, 48 hours is a long time. Your potential date could be married and already measuring for curtains by then. So do I reply immediately since I happened to be looking at my email when my message came in? Or do I wait let’s say 4.8 hours (online dating being 10x as fast as measured by the Zipless scale of hookups, named of course after Reginald J. Zipless, noted statistician and notorious philanderer)? It’s a whole new set of confusions.

Actually I don’t much care about POF already. If I’m going to meet someone online, I would rather focus on my blog and meet someone who has read a little about me in my own words, not limited by personality tests and multiple choice questionnaires. That or talk to one of those cute girls at the cafe.


Dating profile turn-offs

So far I’ve noticed several things that are instant turn-offs for me when looking at online dating profiles. And therefore, given my own anxieties about my profile and my general philanthropic spirit, I have decided to share them in the hopes of helping others less fortunate than myself. Ahh.

And before anyone tuts at me for having a list of ‘don’ts’ rather than a list of ‘dos’, I have one of those too. Perhaps I’ll even tell you :p.


Any or all of the following in pictures will immediately disqualify you. And yes, I have come across all of these:

  • Pictures of several people where we have no clue which one is you, because that’s your only picture. For fuck’s sake, crop it or black out the other person’s face or something if you MUST use a picture like that. Don’t let guys think you’re the cute one then be disappointed.
  • Come to think of it, don’t use a picture with you and your more attractive friend. That’s like saying ‘here’s this delicious entree, oh but we’d rather you have the steamed cabbage’.
  • Picture of you wearing a wedding ring. Either this picture is really old or you’re doing something you probably shouldn’t be.
  • Pictures of your pets. I don’t want to date a chihuahua (or really anyone who owns one)
  • Pictures of you at work with a name badge on. Especially if you work at a call centre. Seriously, go outside in your lunch break and get a passerby to take a photo of you.
  • Pictures of you in a big christmas sweater hugging a cat. No.
  • Pictures of you with a glove puppet. I am fully serious. Fuck no. Unless maybe it’s an adorable home-made one and you’re entertaining kids.
  • Pictures of you looking like a demon with red eyes and steepling your hands.


  • Any headline using the word ‘nice’ as in ‘nice time’, ‘nice guy’. Yuck.
  • Fishing references, e.g. ‘swimming with the fish’, ‘looking for nemo’ etc. Yes, we get it, the site is called plenty offish. Clever.
  • Any headline using the word ‘dreams’ as in ‘follow your dreams’, ‘looking for the man of my dreams’, ‘desperately seeking a way of stopping myself from dying in my dreams, particularly the one with the glowing spiders’. Ok perhaps I made up the last one.
  • I think the same goes for the word ‘good’. Blerk.
  • Headlines that aren’t spelled right. Seriously. It’s four words. Can you not use spellcheck, or maybe ask a not-so-illiterate friend to assist you?
  • Headlines that are just 😉 or :).

Phew, rant over. So, based on that assessment, what do you think my chances are? Somehow the words snowflake and hell spring to mind, I’m not sure why.


Am I bored with online dating already? Or is it bored with me?

After a brief flurry of excitement that included me messaging an extremely attractive and intelligent sounding girl and setting up a possible date when she gets back to the area next month, very little has happened over at Plenty of Fish… oh wait I mean POF. POF POF POF. It sounds like a French expression meaning ‘I hate you and everything you say’. It also reminds me of this ridiculous song from The High Life. Yes that is Alan Cumming.

POF has the wonderful ‘who’s viewed me’ feature. Yes, you can watch people reject you in almost real-time. So despite the fact that a bunch of people have viewed my profile, I haven’t had any messages (except from the above-mentioned gorgeous blonde). And that of course leads me to ‘what’s wrong with me/my profile?’ Yeah online dating is definitely good for my self-esteem. Therefore, inspired by SnarkySnatch, find below my profile. Critique, correct, facepalm if you must. Should I downplay the crazy and change my headline, or be honest and turn away all those girls who are looking for a ‘nice, normal guy’? am I too forward? Too backward? Too oblique? Should I list more bands? Less bands? Be less ‘meta’? Gah!

About Me
I have been told I’m a complicated person, and that I’m not like other boys, and that might be true. I think a lot, and I don’t want the same things as most boys. I’ve had an interesting life, and it’s taken me all over the world and taught me a lot. Right now what I want is to have the free time to be creative, in whatever form that takes at the time. I’m naturally a very giving person, so it makes sense that I want a relationship. Unfortunately I don’t know anyone in the new city I’m living in, so I’m hoping to meet some fun people online.Oh, music. Shall I do the ‘random’ list thing? Usually when I read other people’s I’ve never heard of the bands, which sort of gave me the idea that it was supposed to be obscure bands. But screw that. Radiohead, Thom Yorke, Elliott Smith, Rufus Wainwright, Nick Drake, NIN, Regina Spektor, Chopin, The Prodigy, The Chemical Brothers, Depeche Mode, Kid Koala, Combichrist, Neil Young, Leonard Cohen, Magnetic Fields, Joy Division, Portishead.

First Date
no judgement, my ideal first date would probably be… wandering the city streets and talking. The people I like are people I can talk endlessly with. We’d find something interesting, perhaps some street art or a great place to sit and people watch. Maybe stop somewhere to grab food, but not in a ‘dinner and candlelight’ sort of way. Somewhere nice. Then we might get candy and wander some more, and if you’re wonderful we could go to my place and watch a Woody Allen movie and cuddle. I love cuddles.
What do you think of this new version:
I have been told I’m a complicated person, and that I’m not like other boys… and that might be true. I think a lot, and I don’t want the same things as most boys. I’ve had an interesting life, and it’s taken me all over the world and taught me a lot. Right now what I want is to have the free time to be creative, in whatever form that takes at the time, and to have someone in my life to share that with. I write poetry and short fiction, make music, and sometimes even draw (badly). I also program websites in whatever other time I have. I’m naturally a very giving person, so it makes sense that I would like a relationship, provided of course that the right person comes along. Unfortunately I don’t know anyone in the new city I’m living in, so I’m hoping to meet some fun people online. Other random facts? I have lived on three continents. I have never been to the moon. Strangely, given that I’m British and nerdy, my favourite sport is baseball.

plenty of dogfish… more adventures in online dating

So after e-harmony couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed to answer the door, I decided to try Plenty Of Fish, or POF as it’s apparently known on the site. Another questionnaire, another ‘write about yourself’ thing. I’ve written many mini-autobiographies for magazines, and for my book, but I still hate those things. Should you try to be honest, or sell yourself? Be whimsical, or provide information? So I went with what I’d look for in someone: honest but whimsical. I went easy on the whimsy lest someone lose an eye or something. Also I don’t want people thinking I’m strange until maybe second date.

What I have learned so far:

  • People on online dating sites are ugly. Yes it may be hurtful but it’s true. There are a surprising amount of people I would definitely not date on the basis of looks. I have learned the hard way that physical chemistry is important.
  • People on online dating sites cannot spell. Seriously people. If you’re going to present a paragraph of text to a portion of the entire world, especially if you’re looking to fuck that portion of the world, can you not at least spell check? Do you not realize that if you say you’re looking for an ‘intellegent’ [sic] man you are unlikely to get one, except perhaps as a gynaecologist? My favourite so far is the person who said they wanted to go ‘roc-climbing’ on the first date. Now THAT is a first date with adventure.
  • People on online dating sites are boooooring. I was surprised by the first three profiles that I looked at. All so boring. Really, are you ‘open-minded, laughing, affectionnate[sic], easy going, fun, artsy’? That doesn’t describe more than a million people, maybe two million tops. ‘I tend to be easy going, can come up with things to do but after a while you’ll notice there is a pattern to what i like to do and when. ‘ Ugh I’m falling asleep while I read. That or bashing my head in with your clumsy sentences.



e-disharmony (part 2)

As a sort of consolation prize for not being able to find me a match, e-harmony bestowed its questionnaire-derived wisdom upon me. Here is said wisdom. Learn about me, then praise me! I added a couple of comments because I don’t think everything is right. Apparently questionnaires aren’t infallible.

You are important. So are other people, especially if they are in trouble. You have a tender heart, but you know how to establish and keep personal boundaries. You are empathetic and compassionate, but you also believe that it’s best if people solve their own problems and learn to take care of themselves, if they are able.

You are deeply moved by the needs of others, but you know that if you don’t take good care of yourself, you’ll wind up being of no use to anyone. So yours is a thoughtful compassion. You strive to be fair and sensible, taking care of others while also taking care of yourself.

When someone really is in trouble, you like to collaborate with them toward a solution; they do their part, you do yours. You consider carefully, and respond in a sensible way; they do their part, and together you move through the difficulty. [ha this makes me sound so boring]

You seldom act impulsively; rather, when a problem arises, you take your time to think through the situation. This contemplative quality usually means that you’ll arrive at a diplomatic solution, one that’s fair for the other person and also fair to you. It’s frequently a win/win situation. [Actually I sort of wish this was more true than it is.]

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You

For people who are ruled by tender-hearted compassion, your more diplomatic response to problems might seem too cool, too focused on fairness and not filled enough with sympathy and selflessness. [I’m a cold son’a bitch!]

For them, when someone’s life is on fire, what is needed is not collaboration but rescue. And the person who experiences their life on fire may resent the time you take to contemplate. “I need you, and I need you NOW! This isn’t about fairness, it’s about the fire.” “All deliberate speed” may seem too deliberate and not fast enough, either to the more compassionate or to people in genuine trouble. [not sure how I feel about this. I will have to set fire to some friends to test it.]

At the other end of the spectrum of compassion, those who believe people should take care of themselves may find even your thoughtful sympathies too soft. They expect people, themselves included, to work their own way out of trouble. They are convinced that the helping hand you lend just fosters dependence and is not good for the development of character, either in you or in the person you assist.


Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You

Many people, perhaps the majority, will come to appreciate your balance as a compassionate person. The more they get to know you, the more they will admire your thoughtful compassion for others and its compliment in the sensible ways you take good care of yourself. [hahaha yes, like drinking cocktails alone and sleeping on the floor]

Those whom you help will appreciate the way you leave them with their dignity by expecting them to collaborate in their own rescue. Those who are more tender-hearted will find in you a balance they lack; when they’ve run out of energy because they fail to take good care of themselves, you will still have enough compassion left to lift others out of trouble.

Even the tough-hearted, those who believe people should solve their own problems, might come to admire your tenderness which they don’t find in themselves. So the people you help will be grateful, and the people who see your balance between self and others will admire you. Certainly, balanced is not bad at all as a way to be known among your friends.