Not right in winter

something grows in winter

bites the fractured ice of long pools

on the corrugated rooves

comes to a stalactite point

in a chill room

orange streetlights shadow of a sodium flame

haze the ceiling

night’s promise, a hollow place filled with dreams of drowning

roll and stare up on waking

nothing but the white blankness

of a Montreal hillside

the slight warmth of an imprint in the sheets


takes flight


Life explosion (in a good way)

So herewithfollows the story of my random day yesterday. In the morning I was still mired in sadness at the definitive, absolute end of my romantic relationship with B. Checking my email, I was pleased to see a newsletter (I know, seems unlikely right) from one of my favourite clothing stores, Futurstate. They mentioned an industrial music festival, right here in River City… I mean Montreal. (Pool! No, I’m stopping now). One of my favourite bands, Combichrist, happens to be playing. So I signed up for tickets right away: my first big spend of the day. This perked me up so much I decided to go sex toy shopping (perhaps I’ll share what I bought later).

Later in the morning, I got an email back from a girl I used to see. That turned into a whole series of emails, which turned into us chatting online. She convinced me that I should use fetlife to try and find someone like minded to play around with, or a cuddle buddy, or someone to go to this music festival with. Fetlife is the social network for kinky people I guess. It’s generally less pointless than facebook (as there’s no games or ‘tagging’ pictures), and I have had an inactive profile on there for a while now.

Anyway, I ventured timidly into the foetid abyss that is the fetish world, and decided to join a few groups, put out an ad looking for a buddy to take to some events. As it happened, that post got deleted as I put it in the wrong place. But before I could even realize that, someone commented on my profile picture (nothing special, just me with violet hair). We exchanged a few messages, as I wasn’t sure if I knew her from Vancouver. We instantly clicked and also instantly lapsed into some fairly kinky talk. That migrated to text, then Skype, and before I knew it we were shopping for sex toys together. Random part one is that she’s coming to the Kinetik festival as well and was looking for a date. So I have a date. A date. Have I. Random part two is that she may be staying an extra week… a week which I have some days off. Fabulous.

She seems to be smart, and super cute and perky. She likes a lot of the things I like. So we’ll see if the in-person chemistry is as good as the Skype chemistry. If it is, there could well be lots of super kinky adventures for me to tell you all about. Can’t say I don’t envy you.

In other good news, I found out that me ex roommate/friend/former lover is moving to the city in the summer for school. So I will finally know someone here. Someone who is good at talking to people. Isn’t it strange how life can seem to turn around a single point so very quickly? Perhaps I should say thank you to fetlife. Thank you fetlife :p




I’ve been feeling a little better the last two days. Well enough to work out and cook and do some of the things I’ve been meaning to do for ages, like read my friend’s book. Is she just a friend? I don’t think so. But more on that some other time. Anyway, I was feeling better to the point where I thought ‘hey, let’s meet some new people’.

That led me to blocker number 1: I don’t know anyone in this city. Ok so my choices are stay in, or go out and try and meet someone, preferably without drinking. Option one please! So that led me to blocker number 2: I don’t know anyone who is around online either. Where is everyone? Er, well the only people I ever see online are my ex (who I’ve now blocked), and my slightly annoying friend who I met in the psych ward. Neither is really an ideal candidate for my newly-awakened friendlust. There was only one solution. Get high and cruise e-harmony.

Now I’m fairly familiar with dating sites. Or… slightly familiar. I’ve met some great people through Craigslist, but a ‘real’ dating site always seemed to be too much work, too biased in favour of women and too depressing and desperate for me. But I was bored, and when that happens principles go out of the window. It took me a while to remember the name of e-harmony, but Stuart made a joke about it in the Big Bang Theory, and I don’t forget jokes.

e-harmony makes you fill out a monstrous questionnaire to test your personality and things, blah blah blah. It takes a long time. A really long time. I sort of felt like I could have just gone outside and talked to probably five random people in the time it took to fill it out. But after a while I figured that firstly I was getting some kind of personality analysis and secondly that anything this long and complex must have a good payoff. Clearly I had forgotten that long does not equal good. I had forgotten the lessons of Titanic.

So after hundreds and hundreds of questions and my poor old laptop almost dying from the strain of all those radio buttons, what was the result? I looked over the entire world, who would be my first match? Who would be the person I was going to awkwardly email and try to impress? Well… nobody.



I broke the machine. Yes apparently I am so picky that the entire world is just not a big enough arena to find one person who would be interested in me! I feel quite proud.


Next stop, or plenty of fish!