BC – AD: Getting laid in the modern world

If there’s one thing that the last couple of weeks have taught me, it’s that C is definitely not interested in any kind of relationship with me. When someone would rather press their face into the wall than risk contact with you, that sends a sort of message (even if it’s sent from the back of their head). Received and understood.

So last night I was hanging out on messenger, and B came online. We had a talk, although if we’d been dating I’d have had to call it ‘a talk’. I’d known that it was all over for a while, but it still hurt to hear it. Of course, B being B, she wasn’t definite about anything… let’s take a look at some extracts:

7:04:47 PM Me: we hadn’t been talking much lately though so I figured we were done. am I being ridiculous?
7:05:16 PM B: no, and yes.


You can actually pinpoint the moment when my heart breaks!

7:07:50 PM Me: be honest though… do I factor into your plans for the future at all?
7:07:58 PM B: things change but we can still be close, no matter what happens though

Seems pretty clear to me…

7:15:55 PM Me: would you still want me to visit later in the year?
7:16:17 PM B: im not sure.

So that’s over. I mean, we may still be friends, but I no longer have a potential visit to look forward to, or anything else really. So B and C are definitely gone, it’s time for A and D. So if your first or last name begins in A or D, and you’d like to have cuddles/sex/a platonic relationship involving lots of poetry in the Montreal area, call 1-800-cuddles (don’t really call that number, I bet it’s some weird sex line)

So, I hear you ask, what’s my situation now in re the romantical arts? Well, this morning I went kink toy shopping and bought a bunch of toys that I will hopefully get to use with someone one day.

Metal Restraints

My number of unused sex toys is now disturbingly high. I just can’t help it. This time though, I did pick some things that I can play with alone, such as cupping equipment (super fun and not really sexual at all). 

Yes, shopping is the classic cure for the blues, and if your blues are relationship related, you can buy relationship toys! Don’t worry though, I haven’t resorted to any sort of inflatable boy/girl yet. Ha that reminds me of Billy Connolly’s tale of Sexy Sadie and Lovely Raquel. So cute, his wonder at the world of sex toys.

Aside from shopping though (and my tumultuous relationship with my credit card), I’m 100% single with no potential relationships for the first time in years. It’s a weird feeling. Let’s see if I can take this opportunity to refocus myself and shift the locus of my identity inside myself. No that’s not some kind of euphemism. What I mean is that I do things for other people. And only other people. Even the things I do for myself I do for others. For example, when I try to work out every day, or when I leave the house, I’m doing it because whoever I’m talking to would be proud of me for those things. And that’s why I work better in a relationship. It motivates me.

It’s weird because I hate relying on people for anything, to realise that I rely on other people for my emotions all the time. But then I thought.. screw that. Instead of working on those things alone, I’ll work on them while trying to get laid. Usually I don’t care about getting laid (hence not caring that I haven’t had sex in seven months), but this week I’ve been super horny. That sometimes happens when someone is teasing me, but that’s not the case right now… if anyone is teasing me I hope that she’s doing it accidentally, because I tease back and I am far better at it. Perhaps it’s all to do with spring and the mystic cycles of nature. Or perhaps it’s all the porn I’ve been watching.

Finally we come to the point then… how to get laid in a city where I don’t know anyone? The modern world has a huge number of options for meeting people, however very few of them involve actually meeting someone in person. For some reason this goes under the name of Social Networking, although I can’t think of anything less social than sending a tweet to some random person on the other side of the world. I’ve tried Craigslisting people (is that a verb?), messaging people on POF (poffing sounds filthy), and even the nearly unprecedented talking-to-people-in-second-cup (let’s call that ‘cupping’). None of these seem to have paid off in terms of new relationships, making new friends, or even a quick grope in the cafe bathrooms (coincidentally, also sometimes referred to as ‘cupping’). They have however created huge amounts of awkwardness. So huge in fact that they may be causing earthquakes on the other side of the globe.

So what next? Where does one go to either get laid or find someone new to talk to when one is an anxious person in a new city? Or should I just keep trying on the POF? TheIntrovertGirl made an interesting point, that she is sometimes convinced by people who are persistent. Bad news for me, as I am easily discouraged and I hate playing games. But I did find a girl last night on POF who might be great for me. So perhaps if she doesn’t reply, I will try again… I did go out of my comfort zone and purchase tickets to an industrial music festival this morning as well though, let’s see if I can meet anyone there!


My almost-relationship

B and I live 1094km away from each other, so it’s difficult to call what we have a relationship. Also she lives with her parents, who she can’t tell about me. This means I can’t call her or send her presents or randomly drop in (not that randomly dropping in over 1000km drive is an option)… any of the things that make me feel close to someone. Our relationship is largely secret from everyone she knows. She doesn’t think of me as her boyfriend, which is understandable. I’d be fine with thinking of her as my girlfriend, but I want her to want that too. She’s really too laid back to ask for that sort of thing, to ask for any kind of commitment, but I think I need that to feel that its something real.

Aside from a few little ‘young person things’ she does, she doesn’t really have any habits that annoy me. The only one that has been bugging me recently is not following through on things. This is my number one pet hate in people, and I have a really low tolerance for people who I feel have let me down. For our situation I feel like it’s important, because I need to feel like I’m getting attention, and one way to express that is to do little things for the other person. I don’t ask for those things, but if she suggests them, I feel like she should follow through. To be fair she’s better than many people I used to know, but it still bothers me.

She’s an absolute darling though, that much is true. She’s sweet to me and kind, and although she doesn’t think that she’s good at displaying affection, I’m sure she’d try if we were really together. She also happens to be gorgeous, which always helps. She has a lovely sense of style and likes pretty dresses, which I also adore on her. She’s extremely creative, and I love her art. She’s a painter, and I’ve always had a soft spot for painters. I always said that I could only seriously date someone who cared about my creative pursuits as well, and … I’m not sure if she’s quite there or not. But she has definitely tried to motivate me. Without her I wouldn’t have finished my book of poetry for sure.

Lately though, things haven’t been the same. Since we only really communicate via text, we’re at the whim of the telecom companies, and the last few months they haven’t been good to us. Texts are lost in transmission, never received, and I’ll often go most of a day without hearing from her (and maybe her from me too). Since she’s the only person I interact with on a daily basis, that’s a big gap. We haven’t had any sexting or sending each other sexy pictures in months either, which doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence that we’d have a lasting physical relationship. I suppose we’ve entered the infamous ‘friend zone’, from which there is no escape.

Overall I don’t think it will ever go anywhere, and perhaps we won’t even meet each other for real. It’s a sort of strange shared fantasy at the moment. But if she was a little older I think she’d be the closest thing to perfect for me that I’m likely to find. Sigh.