Dating profile turn-offs

So far I’ve noticed several things that are instant turn-offs for me when looking at online dating profiles. And therefore, given my own anxieties about my profile and my general philanthropic spirit, I have decided to share them in the hopes of helping others less fortunate than myself. Ahh.

And before anyone tuts at me for having a list of ‘don’ts’ rather than a list of ‘dos’, I have one of those too. Perhaps I’ll even tell you :p.

Pictures

Any or all of the following in pictures will immediately disqualify you. And yes, I have come across all of these:

  • Pictures of several people where we have no clue which one is you, because that’s your only picture. For fuck’s sake, crop it or black out the other person’s face or something if you MUST use a picture like that. Don’t let guys think you’re the cute one then be disappointed.
  • Come to think of it, don’t use a picture with you and your more attractive friend. That’s like saying ‘here’s this delicious entree, oh but we’d rather you have the steamed cabbage’.
  • Picture of you wearing a wedding ring. Either this picture is really old or you’re doing something you probably shouldn’t be.
  • Pictures of your pets. I don’t want to date a chihuahua (or really anyone who owns one)
  • Pictures of you at work with a name badge on. Especially if you work at a call centre. Seriously, go outside in your lunch break and get a passerby to take a photo of you.
  • Pictures of you in a big christmas sweater hugging a cat. No.
  • Pictures of you with a glove puppet. I am fully serious. Fuck no. Unless maybe it’s an adorable home-made one and you’re entertaining kids.
  • Pictures of you looking like a demon with red eyes and steepling your hands.

Headlines

  • Any headline using the word ‘nice’ as in ‘nice time’, ‘nice guy’. Yuck.
  • Fishing references, e.g. ‘swimming with the fish’, ‘looking for nemo’ etc. Yes, we get it, the site is called plenty offish. Clever.
  • Any headline using the word ‘dreams’ as in ‘follow your dreams’, ‘looking for the man of my dreams’, ‘desperately seeking a way of stopping myself from dying in my dreams, particularly the one with the glowing spiders’. Ok perhaps I made up the last one.
  • I think the same goes for the word ‘good’. Blerk.
  • Headlines that aren’t spelled right. Seriously. It’s four words. Can you not use spellcheck, or maybe ask a not-so-illiterate friend to assist you?
  • Headlines that are just 😉 or :).

Phew, rant over. So, based on that assessment, what do you think my chances are? Somehow the words snowflake and hell spring to mind, I’m not sure why.

 

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Am I bored with online dating already? Or is it bored with me?

After a brief flurry of excitement that included me messaging an extremely attractive and intelligent sounding girl and setting up a possible date when she gets back to the area next month, very little has happened over at Plenty of Fish… oh wait I mean POF. POF POF POF. It sounds like a French expression meaning ‘I hate you and everything you say’. It also reminds me of this ridiculous song from The High Life. Yes that is Alan Cumming.

POF has the wonderful ‘who’s viewed me’ feature. Yes, you can watch people reject you in almost real-time. So despite the fact that a bunch of people have viewed my profile, I haven’t had any messages (except from the above-mentioned gorgeous blonde). And that of course leads me to ‘what’s wrong with me/my profile?’ Yeah online dating is definitely good for my self-esteem. Therefore, inspired by SnarkySnatch, find below my profile. Critique, correct, facepalm if you must. Should I downplay the crazy and change my headline, or be honest and turn away all those girls who are looking for a ‘nice, normal guy’? am I too forward? Too backward? Too oblique? Should I list more bands? Less bands? Be less ‘meta’? Gah!

About Me
I have been told I’m a complicated person, and that I’m not like other boys, and that might be true. I think a lot, and I don’t want the same things as most boys. I’ve had an interesting life, and it’s taken me all over the world and taught me a lot. Right now what I want is to have the free time to be creative, in whatever form that takes at the time. I’m naturally a very giving person, so it makes sense that I want a relationship. Unfortunately I don’t know anyone in the new city I’m living in, so I’m hoping to meet some fun people online.Oh, music. Shall I do the ‘random’ list thing? Usually when I read other people’s I’ve never heard of the bands, which sort of gave me the idea that it was supposed to be obscure bands. But screw that. Radiohead, Thom Yorke, Elliott Smith, Rufus Wainwright, Nick Drake, NIN, Regina Spektor, Chopin, The Prodigy, The Chemical Brothers, Depeche Mode, Kid Koala, Combichrist, Neil Young, Leonard Cohen, Magnetic Fields, Joy Division, Portishead.

First Date
no judgement, my ideal first date would probably be… wandering the city streets and talking. The people I like are people I can talk endlessly with. We’d find something interesting, perhaps some street art or a great place to sit and people watch. Maybe stop somewhere to grab food, but not in a ‘dinner and candlelight’ sort of way. Somewhere nice. Then we might get candy and wander some more, and if you’re wonderful we could go to my place and watch a Woody Allen movie and cuddle. I love cuddles.
[edit]
What do you think of this new version:
I have been told I’m a complicated person, and that I’m not like other boys… and that might be true. I think a lot, and I don’t want the same things as most boys. I’ve had an interesting life, and it’s taken me all over the world and taught me a lot. Right now what I want is to have the free time to be creative, in whatever form that takes at the time, and to have someone in my life to share that with. I write poetry and short fiction, make music, and sometimes even draw (badly). I also program websites in whatever other time I have. I’m naturally a very giving person, so it makes sense that I would like a relationship, provided of course that the right person comes along. Unfortunately I don’t know anyone in the new city I’m living in, so I’m hoping to meet some fun people online. Other random facts? I have lived on three continents. I have never been to the moon. Strangely, given that I’m British and nerdy, my favourite sport is baseball.