Since going off my meds I’ve been extra depressed. I was depressed before, and I guess I made the decision that I’d rather trade off the side effects for the risk of feeling worse overall. But now I’m questioning my whole life again. It doesn’t feel like I’m going anywhere. Sure I have all my little projects, which I work on whenever I have the energy (not very often these days) but nothing to look forward to. Nothing to suggest that in a year, five years, my life will be any better than it is now. I feel very alone.
I think that this blog is a good example of that. I started off writing a lot of my own things just for the blog… even reading other people’s blogs and commenting. I made a friend, which is a rare event for me. But now that energy seems to have gone. I don’t think I’ve read more than a post a day from other people, and I’ve definitely not commented.
I’m worried that anyone who is in touch with me will forget about me because I don’t have the energy to write them long messages. My ideas just sit in my head collecting dust, and none seem able to wriggle their way out onto the page. All I’m really doing now is posting old writing, but why? I never get any comments on it. Do people enjoy reading these things?