Is there anything worse than sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t love you, but used to? It’s that awful dead zone between the comfort of platonic cuddles and the electric chemistry of sexual tension. This is how I’m going to be spending two agonizing weeks when my daughter and her mother come to visit starting next Monday. Last time I spent a decent portion of the time we were in bed together very upset, having nightmares, or just getting up at 3am and lying on the floor.
So in that spirit, I came up with some rules for sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t love you (and doesn’t want to have sex with you either)
1. Remain clothed at all times. If one of you gets naked, you might end up accidentally having sex during the night. This is how 75% of married couples get pregnant, so be warned. Boys, if you have an open fly on your pjs, consider taping it shut so your cock doesn’t go hunting in the night. Girls, even though you may usually sleep in those little pink shorts, now is the time to break out the flannel pajamas your German great-grandmother gave you. And put on that old grey tshirt that you wore when you painted the fence.
2. Sleep as far away from each other as possible. Again, unexpected physical contact will lead to sex. Should there be an earthquake that throws you together, you may end up with twins or triplets, depending on the magnitude of the quake. If you have a queen bed, try to think of it as two single beds with a strip of salted razor blades down the middle. If possible, try to balance on your side on the very edge of the bed, such that the slightest breeze will push you off. If you’re on the other side, push your face into the wall and for God’s sake, do not turn around.If you’re a girl/boy with a cute ass, ensure that it is concealed beneath covers so that you don’t tempt a midnight pounding.
3. No physical contact. Yeah it might be possible to subtly sleep at an angle so that your legs are touching the other person’s legs in an ‘oh so casual look at that I accidentally got naked and what is this in between my legs’ way. Forget it. There is to be no touching. No footsie or legsie or crotchsie. Especially no cuddling, and ESPECIALLY no spooning. And as for the kind of spooning where the guy is the tablespoon and the girl is the teaspoon. No. That is the kind of spooning where you’re going to give someone a spoonful of your sugar to help the medicine go down in a delightful way. So forget it.
4. No talking. Talking can lead to getting closer, which can lead to facing each other as the moonlight reflects off the construction site outside lights up your faces. The rain is falling on the roof of the trailer and dampening all the flags on their rickety flagpoles outside. You look into each others eyes… and soon you’re splitting her like an amoeba. No. Just stay on your own side of the bed and do not make even eye contact. Should you have a bad dream, just try to keep the screams down and deal with it.
5. No masturbation. Do I really need to say this? It is the height, the very height of impoliteness to masturbate when someone else is in the bed. Not because you are offending their orifice by saying that you’d prefer your hand/palm/hairbrush/hollowed out watermelon to them, but because it’s sweaty and messy and you’re probably making noise and saying ‘Oh Angelina’ or ‘Oh Romney’ over and over or something. Wasn’t it Oscar Wilde who said ‘If a man can masturbate in company, that is a sin. If a man can masturbate in the company of a woman, that is a miracle.’? No, I don’t think it was.
Essentially, treat your night or nights in bed with someone who doesn’t love you as if you are either a) married, or b) sleeping in a library with hundreds of old ladies watching you. And above all, have fun.