It may be April 1st, but I’m fully serious.
A while ago, I did a test online that purported to determine what percentage of each gender you were. I totally agree with this idea. At university I got a reputation for being smart among the philosophers, basically by saying ‘everything’s a continuum’. That was all really. Anyway, I think that gender is the same way. And I’m definitely more towards the female side than the male side. This isn’t the same as being gay (although I am bisexual as it happens), some gay guys are extremely masculine. So there’s some overlap, but it’s not the same. I think that I scored around 76%, which seems about right to me.
I’ve often wished I could be a girl. This isn’t something that plagues me every day, and I don’t really feel like I was born into the wrong body, so I don’t think I’d ever actually get gender reassignment surgery. There are some things I enjoy about being a boy. But a lot of the things I enjoy doing or feeling are more typically girly, and that can be depressing as a boy.
How does this manifest itself? In lots of ways I think. At the risk of being judged, here are some stereotypically ‘girly’ things I enjoy: makeup, painting my nails, cute clothes, pink, purple, cute underwear, shoes (should I add ‘talking about feelings’ there?). If this was the 50s I’d add cooking to the list, but cooking isn’t really considered ‘girly’ any more I hope. And here are some stereotypically ‘girly’ problems I have: body issues, worrying about my weight, BPD symptoms (more than 75% of people with BPD are female), not being able to understand boys, mood swings, crying a lot (although I haven’t for a while).
There’s also ‘the sex thing’. I don’t really know many boys, but my impression is that they will do almost anything to get laid, and aren’t in the habit of declining sex if it’s on offer. Of course I’m not saying that all boys are like this, but the impression I get is that most are. Strangely, this is extra true with gay boys. One in particular was very annoyed that I wouldn’t have sex with him (although not to the point of violence, thankfully), which made me feel a bit crappy and worthless. I am a bit strange in this area. For me, sex is a fairly big deal, and I don’t do the one night stand thing (I did it once and it made me very sad the next day). I have a habit of going to bed with people and then not having sex. I’m sure this has been annoying for some people who’ve got me into bed, but generally what happens is that there’s some mental block and I just don’t want to. I’m usually thinking something like ‘tomorrow do I want to wake up and say that I had sex with this person’, and usually the answer is no. This is especially annoying because the physical side of things works fine, so inevitably the other person (usually a girl) gets a little confused or put out.I’ll probably write more about this another time ;).
Anyway, welcome to my brain. Sometimes I wish I was average.