Bestiality: the how, the why, and the … no really, why?

Eventually if you lie sleepless in bed for long enough, you’ll start to think about bestiality. Not as a life choice, but more as a … why. Trust me, it’s inevitable. There isn’t an animal humans have coexisted with that they haven’t also conjugated with over the course of history. But why? No really, why?

Let’s start, as so many do, with chickens. According to the Kinsey report, 1 in 6 men in Iowa had had sex with a chicken. Now.. there are several explanations for this. Firstly, there are not a lot of people in Iowa, which skews the average. Secondly, there is some sort of club for chicken sex. And thirdly, perhaps there is just one really horny guy or one incredibly slutty chicken.

Whatever the explanation, when I heard this fact on QI I got to wondering. Someone on the show (rightly in my opinion) wondered about the … physical dimension of this particular act. Chickens are fairly small, so I would guess that the ‘keyhole’ of the chicken is fairly small compared to the wedding tackle of even the tiniest man. Is it possible to fit even? Had 1 in 6 men just attempted sex with a chicken and given up? An egg can come OUT of there, but I would say that most women would have trouble fitting something the size of a baby’s head back into their vag, so that doesn’t mean that an egg-sized cock could go into a .. hen. Ok confusing image break. Breathe deeply for a second. Do not attempt to eat an egg (or have sex with a chicken) at this point.

The additional risk of this act is of course that you will become permanently affixed to the chicken. I’ve been to several ERs in my life, and in fact the med school I went to had its student bar right next to one, so I’ve seen some things, and ER nurses are notoriously blase about people impaled on things, and SARAs (sexual activity related accidents). But I cannot help but think that a man with a chicken on his cock is bound to at least raise some eyebrows.

Moving on… the hamster. When I was a teenager I heard that either women or men have been known to insert a hamster into their variously available holes for sexual gratification. Whether the hamster enjoys this or not was not mentioned. I have always found this a little bit difficult to understand. When inserting a hamster into oneself, one has two options, forwards and backwards. Forwards may be easier to get in, and of course you then have the handy tail to pull the thing out. However, I have a strong suspicion that a hamster being dragged backwards out of an orifice would probably be at least a little irked and might use claws. Backwards would be much harder to get in, but the thing could then crawl out of its own volition. To me, either way seems to have more drawbacks than advantages. Claws people, claws.

Your more ‘average’ bestiality partners are those you might find around the house. Dogs. Dogs are at least of around the same size as humans, so the size mismatch wouldn’t be too awful. Buuut. Dogs are smelly. They have bad breath. I am pretty selective about what I put in my mouth, and what I stick my cock into. And somehow a dog’s vagina doesn’t seem to appeal really. For the girls I’d imagine the same applies. Dogs are not known for their rigorous attention to hygiene.

Aside from chickens, the farm seems to be rife with bestial partners. But all seem to have the same disadvantages. Especially horses. Now, I am not a sizeist boy when it comes to breasts, but I can understand those who feel that way, and girls who feel the same about cocks. A huge cock is an impressive thing to play with, and fun too. But I don’t think the practicalities of a two-legged creature doing it with a much larger, heavier four-legged creature are worth it. Also, from watching The Beast I learned that horses can only last a few seconds, which doesn’t seem worth the preparation (a table or something… Idk how you’d prevent the horse from crushing you in the five-second throes of passion).

I can only conclude that people who resort to animal sex are either stupidly curious (like darwin award curious), or else insanely desperate. I have some advice for these people. Maybe save the money you’d spend on buying a chicken (or if you’re a farmer, counselling for the chicken you’re planning to have sex with) and GET A PROSTITUTE. At least they’re human, and probably cleaner than any animal you’d choose to do it with. Plus I would imagine that most of them would have the politeness to get off your cock if you asked them. I doubt you’d get such cooperation from a poodle.

 

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One thought on “Bestiality: the how, the why, and the … no really, why?

  1. My mom would be pissed if someone had sex with our poodle. Seriously pissed. It would be a lie if I said I hadn’t contemplated the complications of sex with a chicken.

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